Monday, June 9, 2014

Somewhere between anger + relief


I don't even like the word. 
It's so ugly. 

I'm still trying to adapt to this entirely new life I've been forced to live. In a matter of one single day my lifestyle was flipped upside down. 

For months I didn't feel like myself. I was sluggish, finding it nearly impossible to get out of bed each morning, and once I did, my vision would completely black out for a good 30 seconds. I was thirsty, all. the. time, guzzling up to 12-15 bottles of water a day + that still didn't seem to quench my unbelievable thirst. My legs + feet would go numb/tingle all throughout the day. I found myself in the bathroom more often than not, peeing more in those few months than I ever had in my life. Excruciating headaches became the norm + I was beginning to feel (and look) like an adolescent teen with my uncontrollable breakouts. My body was failing me, and as hard + long as I tried to ignore what my body was telling me & tried to put it off, I knew it was time to face the fact, that none of these symptoms I was living with, were normal. 

I walked into my doctors appointment early that morning with a nauteous, empty stomach. I couldn't get myself to eat a single thing before leaving home. I had always thought something was wrong, but I've always been a bit of a hypochondriac so that wasn't unusual. I waited in that cold doctor's office twiddling my thumbs, terrified. The doctor walked in and as I began to explain to her how I had been feeling, her expression never really changed. That wasn't like her. 

They took a urine sample + pricked my finger with that tiny needle that always seems to hurt more than an actual syringe shot. My blood sugar came up at 591.. the doctor didn't believe it, which led to me having to get pricked again. This time, 550. Both very high. My doctor walked in and looked as if she wanted to cry, she went on to say, "I'm so sorry Vanessa, I have some really bad news." She explained that my urine tested positive for ketones (sugar in my urine) & continued to say that my blood sugar was so high she suggested I get to the emergency room as soon as possible. Thankfully my sister came to my rescue + picked me up to take me, as my doctor refused to let me drive myself. 

I cried.. and cried some more. Hell, I still cry from time to time. 

I'm stuck somewhere between anger + relief. 

Anger, because I'm still not understanding why this has happened to me. 
Relief, because if I hadn't gone into the doctors office that day, it could've been worse, I could've gone into a diabetic coma, and ultimately, I could have died. 

I'm currently in what the doctors like to call the "honeymoon stage." My body is still adapting to all of the insulin I'm now needing to inject into my body. It's crazy to think that I once used to be terrified of needles. I'm trying my hardest to get used to this new life. I'm trying my hardest to get used to giving myself up to 5-6 shots a day, every single day. I'm trying my hardest to accept that there will be days where my vision is blurred from the second I get out of bed in the morning, till the second I step back into bed, at night. I'm trying my hardest to get used to having bruises all over my stomach + legs from constant injections. 

I'm trying my hardest to realize that it could be worse. 

As hard as it may be, I thank god for guiding me to my doctor that day, for the amazing support system I have, for my mother that keeps me on track when I just want to give up and fall apart, and for my son, that keeps me going each day. 

This will get easier. I will get through this. I will be OKAY. 

Thank you to every single one of you that have kept me in prayer + sent well wishes. I can't put into words how much it truly has meant to have all of your support. Xo

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