Wednesday, June 18, 2014

"Ugly crying" | it's good for the soul

Have you ever ugly cried? I'm not talking about the mellow dramatic sobbing + wiping of sniffles cry, I'm talking, the super ugly, obnoxious grunting, loud cry. Your answer should be yes. 

"Ugly crying" it's good for the soul. 

I met with my endocrinologist (diabetes specialist) doctor early this morning for the very first time. Scuffling in 10 minutes late looking like I had been hit by a bus. I may or may not have been wearing clothes that resembled pj's, too. But I had my usual trenta iced coffee in hand so all was swell in my book. Or at least I thought so in that moment. 

It seemed as if I waited in that bone chilling waiting room for an enternity. Eventually the nurse called me in, weighed me, asked a handful of awkward questions + pricked my finger for blood. You know, the usual. The doctor finally came in and introduced himself. Well mannered, nicely dressed and ready to get to business. He talked what sounded like jibberish to me for over an hour. Let me point out that my attention span is about the size of a peanut, which made it extremely difficult to keep up with everything he was saying. After an absurd amount of asked questions and hundreds of explanations later, he ended the appointment by handing me a stack of insulin pump booklets to read through. 

Insulin pumps scare me. Everything about them freaks me out. The tubes, the large pager looking machine that has to be attached to my body, everythjng. Not to mention, they're incredibly un-sexy. 

I got home from my appointment, stormed into my room & threw every booklet I had just received, onto my bed. Dropped to the floor, and "ugly cried." My grandma tried her hardest to console me the best she could, but all I could do was continue to cry. I've done this at least once a day since being diagnosed + have learned that it helps. There is nothing wrong with crying & there is nothing wrong with being sad. This is something I've come to realize a lot more in the past few weeks, than ever before in my 23 years of life. 

My mind is frazzled. So frazzled. I can't seem to focus on any diabete related topic anymore, no matter how hard I try. It's like my brain has stopped functioning correctly. Too much information, too fast. I'm tired. Just... tired. 

My heart is crushed. I wish this was all a bad dream. That I could wake up tomorrow morning and go back to living my life the way I used to. The way every woman in her early 20's should. I have a long journey ahead of me. It may not be the journey I had envisioned for myself, but it's a journey nonetheless. I am alive, and for that I will be forever grateful. 

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