Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Alone: Dealing with miscarriage// A guest post by TODAYWITHJ

Hello, my name is Kelly. I have been happily married to my husband, Joshua, for 2 1/2 years. Together we have a 13 month old son, Joshua Jr ("J" for short), and two babies in Heaven. Today, I am writing on my feelings after the loss of my children.

"1 out of 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, it's normal, you are not alone." I cannot tell you how many times I've heard those exact words. Every blog post I've read about coping with a miscarriage, every person who tried to reach out to me after mine, searching for peace, doctors, midwives, other moms who have been through it, everything I tried to find comfort in lead me to those words, and every single time I thought to myself "then why do I feel so alone?" These words made me feel like it was wrong of me to feel alone after the loss of my child, because it was such a normal thing.

I've never felt more alone than I felt in the hospital bed surrounded by nurses and doctors, with my husband holding me with one arm and wiping the tears out of his eyes with the other, while reassuring me "we'll get through this, baby." I've never felt more alone than the moment I saw my precious baby's tiny, lifeless body for the very first and very last time. I've never felt more alone in my emotions than when I begged the doctor to tell me if it was a girl and when he softly whispered "yes, a girl," so much heartache along with a tiny piece of happiness and joy over the fact that I now was a mom to a little baby girl. I was alone. I was surrounded by people, family, friends, and strangers for the next few weeks, but I was alone. I wanted my girl, and without her, I was alone.

A few months went by and I was slowly coming to terms with my loneliness. I was getting out of the house again, and I was feeling like myself again. My husband and I were given the "ok" to try again, and that is exactly what we did. It didn't take long until we found out we were expecting. I knew it was fate, this new little life was my understanding as to why our last pregnancy didn't work out. I found myself happy again, ecstatic, even. This was my second chance. My first appointment my husband took off work to take me to. It was ultrasound time! We finally get to see our new miracle, our rainbow. And there in that room, surrounded by ultrasound equipment, techs, my husband, our son, and my midwife, I was alone all over again. Our baby did not have a heartbeat. I felt like time had stopped. My midwife was leaning over me with her hand on mine, I saw her lips moving, I knew she was talking but all I was hearing was ringing in my ears. Finally, I heard the three words that made everything seem better "wait it out." I cried out "YES!" I knew in the next few weeks my baby would have a heartbeat. So we waited, then came appointment day. Is it ok to have two worst days of your life? Because this was one of them. I ended up having to have an emergency D&C, because my body had become septic. Again, I was alone. Maybe even more alone than before. I never got to see or hold my little baby, I never found out the sex, nor the due date. I never got to give our angel a name. Lonely is the best way to describe my feelings, but no, I wasn't, because "1 out of 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, it's normal, you're not alone."

It's not the statistics that bother me, although it saddens me to know how many people go through it. It bothers me the way people throw it out while someone is coping with a loss. I've never seen someone throw out the statistics of the loss of any other family member, but an unborn child. I understand letting someone know that it is not their fault this happened, because it is common. I understand, and highly appreciate when others who have gone through it reach out and let you know they're here for you. But, how you say it and why you say it makes a huge difference. I shouldn't feel "normal" over the loss of my children, nor do I want to. I am lonely, and I'm here to tell anyone that has gone through it too that it is ok to feel this way.

I have no idea how I would have made it through my miscarriages if it wasn't for my son. He finds ways to bring a smile to my face on my worst days, and he makes my good days even better.

Thanks for reading! And also, a huge thanks to the lovely Vanessa for allowing me to be a guest on her blog. <3

Any questions or comments for me, you can find me on Instagram (@todaywithj) or Facebook (Kelly Jones) - the links are in my personal blog -

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