Saturday, June 14, 2014

But, I'm not so sure I could

It's incredible really, the overflowing support + encouraging words I've been receiving from people all around the world. Instagram can be a beautiful thing if you let it. It's heart warming to see how many people care about my well being. So with that being said, thank you all for being beautifully kind.  

I hope + wish + pray for all of your touching words of encouragement to make me feel all better, but unfortunately, they don't. Yes, they may make me smile and feel positive for a short period of time, but eventually that temporary positivity wears off + the overwhelming sadness sets in. I hear people all around me, tell me day in and day out that I'll be okay + that I'll overcome this...

But, I'm not so sure I could. 

Today was hard. Really fucking hard. I had to talk myself into getting out of bed this morning, deal with a blood sugar reading of 400+ ALL day, despite the 20 needles I've stuck my body with, I've prayed, I've cried, I've screamed. I've lost all hope. 

Tomorrow could be different. It could be better. It could be easier. But in this moment, I feel hopeless. I feel terrible, not only physically, but emotionally. My son is going through this difficult time with me. Seeing me cry in bed for hours during these tough days, watching me flinch with every shot I inject myself with, hugging + holding me while my hands shake uncontrollably. My heart hurts for me, but aches so deeply for him. I wish so badly I could wake up tomorrow morning and be HAPPY again. The way I was right before my diagnosis. But I know that's wishing for a miracle. 

You know what sucks the most? Feeling like a burden. My family, my boyfriend, + my friends could tell me till they're blue in the face, that I'm anything but a burden, but I will forever feel that way. 

I don't want to be worried about. I don't want my mother going to sleep scared of how she'll find me in the morning. I don't want any of this. Who does?

Slipping into a depression is a scary thing. It's as if you lose all control over your body, your emotions, your mind. You just... lose control. 

People tell me all the time that I can overcome this. But, I'm not so sure I could. 

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