Paige and I created this blog series to bring mothers from all around the world, together.. As one. To share stories that have been kept secret for far too long. To support one each other, and ultimately inspire and empower one another. I hope you enjoy this week's confessions of the single mothers that I have hand selected to feature here, on the the RadAndRebellious.
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CONFESSIONS-
"Sometimes I wonder if Jude's dad even knows he's alive. He was never in the picture. It's constantly questioning yourself how your child will feel knowing his dad didn't want to be involved. What pain will this bring your child? It's constantly being told your child needs to be put up for adoption because you aren't good enough. It's constantly guilting yourself. Sleepless nights because you constantly replay in your head how you can make the situation better. Constantly feeling like you have to prove you're a fit parent. It's like you're drowning in the ocean, and can't get out. You try to e a perfectionist to replace what's missing in your child's life. The job you have isn't good enough. The classes you're taking aren't going to provide a good enough education to provide for your child. It's constant criticism with very little support, or help, because you duh your grave, now lay in it. It's washing cloth diapers while you're wearing your child in a ring sling, breast feeding, because your minimum wage job can't pay for formula or diapers. The guilt depending on the one support system I do have, is struggling herself. It's lonely. It's not eating more than one meal a day. Not showering for weeks. Going months without even seeing a friend your age. It's falling down and blacking out. You literally believe your body is failing you, that you are dying. When your child cries, you tell yourself it's because you did something wrong. It's so painful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Although if someone is out there who is similar, I would just say, just know you aren't alone! That comforted me a lot knowing it's normal to feel like this. Step boundaries to not let other judgemental humans control your life. DBT skills. Learn coping skills to stop guilting yourself, or feeling like you constantly need to put your child first when you had needs, too! Think of it like you're on an airplane and they say, "put your air mask on first before your child, in case of an emergency." Put your air mask on first, mama. So you could be the best mama you could be. I learned that lesson too late ✈️"
"Being a single mama. I pretend I'm not. I tell myself that when he gets back from rehab (or as I tell Luca, back from "that place that's going to fix daddy's heart") everything will be fine. That Luca won't notice; that he'll be at every little league game and af every paret teacher conference. That Luca will have someone to look up to. A real life father figure. I tell myself this, always. But as I lay here I know, in my heart of hearts, that I AM a single mother. And that's okay. More than okay, really. It's actually beautiful. Because while daddy's off getting his "heart fixed", I'm spending every god damn second making sure Luca's never breaks."
"Okay...so here it goes...here are my three beautiful blessings. They will always be the best of me....but at 31 years old, single, full time working mother of 3, my life is not even close to the fairytale I used to dream of. Confession #1: all my kids have different fathers. I AM NOT ASHAMED. I've been through hell and back, and each season of my life brought us together. I grew stronger. My parenting choices are NOT always the best, but I hold them down. Being a strong believer in Christ I know someone else always has the last word and I'm not in control. Which leads me to confession #2: sometimes I really wish I could run away. Being a parent is by far isn't easy...and doing it alone is a hard ass job. Although I wish I could stay home all day and just make memories with my kids..at times I just want to escape...and never come back. Like being responsible is hard. Like knowing that 3 little people depend on me, is exhausting. It hurts my heart that I feel this way at times...like I totally understand why I'm in this situation, but at times I cry because it's like.. Damnnnnnn, why couldn't I have a great husband that holds us all together. But reality is, these are my kids. I mean sure, their fathers are around. But I do it all for them. I guess it's just emotionally rewarding and draining all at the same time. I know the Lord saved me with my two boys. They all were entrusted to me. I have to deal with them every moment I'm with them and even when I'm not. But I know running away isn't a problem solver... It won't help me grow as a parent, or a person. Sometimes I just cry. Because I don't even know how I get through each day...Super moms...That's what we are."
I want to say thank you to every single one of you that shared, with me, your incredible stories as a single mother. You all inspire me in more ways than one. I enjoyed reading and having the opportunity to get to know you all more personally. You all have my utmost respect. Single mothers unite. Stay tuned for next weeks "Confessions of a..." blog series topic. You never know, YOU might get the chance to be featured next. Have a beautiful end to your memorial weekend. Hugs x kisses. Xo
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