Sunday, February 23, 2014

"Whoa, he's a big one!"

Taking the time to type out a detailed blog on my labor & delivery story has always intimidated me because.. well, you'll see. I know I'm not the only mother that feels an overflow of emotions when it comes down to the day we brought our child(ren) into this crazy world. I've always avoided digging deep into my pregnancy + labor story for the simple fact that as incrediblely life changing and beautiful as it was, there were just as many heartbreaking, ugly moments as well. No pregnancy is perfect- but this I'm sure you know. From raging hormones to relationship problems and everything in between, carrying a child for 9+ months is one hell of a ride (to say the least.) On this blog I plan on being brutally honest with all of you- honesty is the key to any relationship, including the relationship I plan on forming with all of you who choose to follow my journey. Now, where do I begin? 

Starting off by introducing Jonah's father makes the most sense, right? If you follow me on Instagram (@jollywithjonah) you know I don't post anything relating to him whatsoever- for my own personal reasons. I choose to keep certain things private from the online world- the relationship (or lack there of) with my son's father being one of them. His name is Christian, & he's 21 years old, making him a little less than 2 years younger than me. As much as I'd love to tell you a super romantic story of how we crossed paths and fell in love, I just can't because well, Facebook played the role of matchmaker in our case. Silly, I know. 

I was 19 when I met him & we had one whirlwind of a relationship. Everything happened so fast- but in no way was I complaining. The day we finally met in person we instantly clicked. I thought he was the sweetest, most respectful guy I had ever met, easy on the eyes too. That's always an added bonus- right girls? 

I was just... happy. Genuinely happy. I went with the flow when it came to our relationship, no questioning anything, just simply living in the moment & oh was it the time of our lives. We had fun- maybe a little too much at times, but why the heck shouldn't we have? Two months into being "in love" I decided to end things for reasons unknown to this day. I have always been the type of girl to get over things quickly, even if for no particular reason. I was always searching for that "something better" & to be honest, I didn't care who was hurt by my emotionless actions along the way. I thought of myself & myself only. Selfish, I know- but it was my life & I was destined to live it the way I wanted to. That was the only me I knew, the only life I knew. After breaking up we kept in touch & hung out from time to time, completely severing all ties just didn't feel right. & as I look back now, I see there was a reason behind it all. That reason had a name. It's name was Jonah

Making that phone call to Christian was the scariest thing I had ever done in my life. When he answered the phone it seemed as if he already knew what I was about to say. "I'm pregnant, Christian." I said. "Tell me what you want to do and I'll be here, always. No matter what." He said. Sobbing uncontrolably in the planned parenthood parking lot with my sister trying her hardest to console me was just all too much to take in at once. Abortion was never an option- not even for one second. I knew I was going to be a mother in a matter of months- WHAT. I couldn't wrap my head around it. I was so young. So careless. So free. I had my sister drive me home- locking myself in my blacked out room to scream & cry for a day or two sounded comforting to me. So I did it, got it out of my system & began to prepare myself for an entirely new life.. and the new life I was about to bring into my crazy world. 

This photo was taken 10 days before my due date [October 6, 2011]. I was miserable, uncomfortable, and impatiently awaiting the arrival of our son. My pregnancy took a huge toll on me. I was rarely ever happy, and enjoying my pregnancy just seemed so impossible. For as long as I could remember, body image had always been my biggest issue. Gaining a pound, loosing 10, gaining 5, losing 2. My life was a constant up and down battle with my weight & I could never find myself being satisfied. I eventually got over the body issues (slowly but surely) & learned to love the beautiful blessing I was given in being able to create a human being. I mean, just say that once (or twice) out loud, "I created a human being." How amazing is that?! Aside from my personal issues, I had a healthy pregnancy. Always measuring exactly by the book and never having any additional problems or bumps in the road. It was.. Easy, for the most part. 

My due date came & went. I called my doctor a handful of times before receiving the call I was longing to get. "Come in at 8am October 18th. You're going to be induced." As much as I was hoping and praying for an all natural birth, I was in so much pain & induction seemed to be my only chance of going into labor. I was ready, we all were. Pitocin was injected into my iv & the waiting game began.. My gosh, hadn't I waited long enough? I was a very unhappy camper- you should feel lucky you weren't stuck in that cold hospital room with me. 19 hours into this so called waiting game Jonah was still comfier than ever in my belly he called home. The doc finally decided to manually pop my water bag- talk about uncomfortable. But boy, was I ready to see some progress & that's exactly what I got. Almost immediately after having my water popped I began feeling intense contractions, and what I mean by intense is excruciating. They came full force and they weren't going to stop until Jonah was out. Unfortunately the doctor finally realized that he was positioned "sunny side up" meaning: he was head down, faced up. Making it nearly impossible to get through my pelvic bone. Why me? After being forced to push for nearly 4 hours in every position known to man, my family finally convinced my doctor to perform a c-section. My sister burst into tears, scared for my well being- heck, everybody did. Daddy included. I'm pretty sure I was the only one being wheeled off with a huge grin on my face, thankful it was all about to be over soon. 1 hour later & a total of 25 hours in labor, Jonah Rylin Gil was born. The doctor raised him into the air & blurted out, "whoa, he's a big one!" Daddy rushed to see Jonah when neither him or I heard a peep come out of him. Minutes went by & still... Nothing. As drugged as I was, I couldn't find the words nor strength to say anything, or to ask any questions. But I had never been more scared or worried in my life. I don't have one single picture of my son and I on the operating table due to him being rushed to the NICU so quickly. 

This was the very first photo I saw of my son. I couldn't believe my eyes. He was so beautiful but he was such a big boy- now I know what the doctor meant. I asked Jonah's dad how much he weighed and he just smiled and said, "10lbs 6oz Vanessa, you are amazing!" The entire hospital was at a loss for words- could you imagine how I felt? How did my petite little body bring an almost 11 lb baby boy into this world? I felt like superwoman. 

How could this be? & why was he rushed to the NICU? I blame the doctor to this day. If he would've paid more attention to the distress my poor son & myself were going through during those 4 hours of pushing with my fever of 103 & his heart rate fluctuating, he wouldn't be sick in the NICU. He wouldn't have a blood virus, he wouldn't have fluid in his lungs, he wouldn't have extreme jaundice, & he sure as hell wouldn't have IV needles in his tiny little arms all at the age of 10 minutes old. I was angry- the mother in me was born on that operating table the second my son was. Spinal taps, endless visits to the hospital, tears, and a shit ton of prayers later... Jonah Rylin Gil was released from Presbyterian Hospital & my life had officially begun. Whatever I thought was living before, was nothing to the life I was getting to live now. 

The love you feel for your child is so incredible & down right scary at times. I have never loved so hard, hurt so deeply or worried so much EVER before. It's a beautiful thing, it truly is. I am everything to this little boy, and he is my reason for everything I do. I have a purpose in life. Do you? 

This will forever be my favorite photo of Jonah and his father. It makes me smile & turns my heart into a mushy gushy puddle at my feet. No matter what life throws at us we will always be parents to Jonah. No matter was obstacles we may have to go through, we will always give 110% to him. We may not be together, and we may not get along all the time, we argue & disagree. We are HUMAN. I don't know what the future holds for us or our family- but what I DO know is that Jonah has two parents that will go above and beyond for him. We are his world & he is our little boy. This journey has taught us both so many things- we learn how to be better parents every single damn day & it's only just begun. I look forward to the life we'll get to experience with our warrior & the beauty we're yet to see. The good, the bad & the ugly. I welcome it all with open arms. 

Thank you for visiting- xo

1 comment:

  1. I too had a ten pound baby, 10lbs 1ounce & delivered him vaginally, I was 102 pound lbs before my pregnancy a double zero! So I feel your pain girl!! Although my labor luckily was only 9 hours and I got to take lo home 3 days later. you are one strong mamma! I love how you said you felt like super woman that's exactly how I felt afterwards!