Oh, how I miss that girl

It's ridiculous actually, how many times I question who I am. I have days where I find myself sitting in my room, tv off, door shut, blinds closed.. just thinking. Thinking about the person I used to be & the person I'm gradually becoming. Sometimes for hours on end. Becoming a mother changes a woman. It changes EVERYTHING. I'm not going to pretend like it's all peachy keen because well, it just isn't. Have I grown up & matured? Yes. & that's a positive- but have I lost myself through this journey of becoming the mother I am today? Yes. & that's a negative. There is absolutely nothing wrong with loving your child & doing everything and anything you can to put a smile on their face- that's what a mother should do, but some women (like myself) take it to the extreme, and before we know it, we've completely submerged ourselves into "motherhood" - not realizing that, that can (and will) tear us down. one. day. at. a. time. I say this from experience. Juggling motherhood, friendships, work & family is difficult for me- am I the only one that has a hard time with it? With all of that on my plate "fun" just somehow always gets the short end of the stick. 

Jonah is two years old & in his short two years of life I have changed in ways I can't even begin to describe. I used to be so wild, rebellious, spontaneous, & free-spirited. I was just.. fun. I was off the wall & quirky- always making people laugh & living in the moment. 

Oh, how I miss that girl. 

People that have known me for years tell me time & time again to "loosen up" "chill out" "relax" & as much as I want to, I find myself having such a hard time actually doing it. I'm not that carefree person I used to be. I am a mother. I don't act on impulse anymore, I don't take risks. I don't rebel against the rules. I am the only mother my son will EVER have in this lifetime. Being "fun" is sadly the least of my worries. 

 & it shouldn't be. 

This post is all over the place & quite frankly, makes no sense at all, this I know. But this is my outlet & I'm typing out every emotion & feeling I'm feeling, at this very moment. I feel as if I need to take a deep breath & close my eyes. Light my favorite candle & think. Think of the person I used to be & the person I am now. But most importantly, think of the person I want to be 5 months from now, 5 years from now. I need to find a balance. I need to cater to myself before catering to others. 

I refuse to lose myself anymore than I already have. I love my son- but I love myself too.. or at least I'm trying to. I will not give up on myself- this I promise.

"I have found my balance; I'm not losing myself in motherhood, I am redefining myself. I may not be exactly who I used to be, but that's okay. I have grown and become a better version of myself."